Obama Takes Aim at Next Target

Gang, just got the heads-up on this from one of my buddies who works at Fox News. This story will drop next week. Check it out!

March 31, 2010

Washington, D.C. (AP)- With massive healthcare legislation overhaul in the rearview, the Obama Administration has set its sights on its next agenda item: Cap’n Crunch.

Weeks of swarming rumors were validated Wednesday when White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs briefly addressed Crunch’s stronghold on the children’s breakfast cereal market.

“What we’ve got to condition this country to, is that when you’re successful and better than everyone else, you’re going to pay for it. And by pay for it, I mean give your resources to those not as good as you so that everyone is on an even playing field,” said Gibbs.

For decades now, Cap’n Crunch has held the top 3 spots in the breakfast cereal market with his ‘Cap’n Crunch, Crunchberries and Peanut Butter Crunch cereals. Market experts have attributed his success to the creation of a proprietary preservative process that indeed makes his cereals, “the Crunchiest!”

“The dude’s a f------beast,” said Tony the Tiger, whose Frosted Flakes slipped to seventh this year behind Corn Pops. “I mean, when you’re 3-foot-4, rocking the top three brands and banging Britney Spears; you’re doing something right.”

While most expected President Obama to address the sagging economy and immigration, his move to curtail Crunch’s runaway success comes to many as a surprise. The Obama Administration has long resented Crunch’s success, deeming it ‘bad for the common good.’

“Obama wants to nail his ass to wall,” said an anonymous White House insider.

Crunch patented his ‘Crunchiest’ formula in 1977 following an acid trip induced with Willie Wonka and three Oompa Loompas. The seven-day event, which was dubbed, “The Sugar Shacktory’s Mystery Tour”, spawned ‘the Crunchiest!’ formula.

“It was all about love, man” said Steven Ware, Willy Wonka’s head Oompa. “What came of it was pure domination and a few STDs.”

Cap’n Crunch immediately utilized his new formula in every batch of cereal. Within three years Crunch had etched his way to the forefront of the breakfast food movement, thus leaving his competition in his wake.

The White House’s “Crunch for All” initiative calls for ‘The Crunchiest!’ to be made available to all cereal manufacturers operating in the United States. By 2012, it’s estimated that Crunch’s market share will dwindle to that of lesser-known cereals such as, “Billy’s Poopy Treats.”

“Vat it does, eez, it geeves us a shot, you know,” said Count Chocula whose cereal is now back in play along with Frankenberry, Booberry and Fruit Brute.

Brute of 'Fruit Brute' fame went out of business in 1983 after allegations of methamphetamine addiction. After multiple rehabilitation attempts and a failed love affair with Kirsty Alley, Brute was most recently seen on VH-1’s ‘Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.’ The first episode featuring Brute never aired, as Brute’s altercation with Grease star Jeff Conaway led to his dismissal from the show.

“Conaway is a douche,” said Brute in a recent issue of US Weekly, “but ‘Crunch for All’ means I’m back, baby!”

Cap’n Crunch is not the White House’s first attempt to bring down a cereal magnate. In February of 2009, the House Subcommittee on Children’s Foods began preliminary investigation of Toucan Sam of 'Fruit Loops' fame. Sam avoided congressional intervention following allegations of an extra-marital affair with House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi after Sam posted a picture of his penis on his Facebook wall with the title, “House Majority’s Peter.”

"The Captain and Speaker Pelosi are just friends," said a congressional spokesperson.

Crunch initially planned to fight the White House, but was recently quoted as saying, “I’m moving my s--- to India.” He declined to be interviewed for this story.

For now, the White House is excited about the change in our nation’s breakfast cereal competition, and hopes to attach a few ‘riders’ to “Crunch for All” legislation, including a federal mandate that all Americans must buy Band-Aid brand band aids or else face a fine.

“Band-Aid brand is outstanding,” said President Obama speaking to a 2nd grade class in suburban Washington. “You can have SpongeBob on your Band-Aids, and even the X-Men, too. Imagine what Wolverine and a little Neosporin can do to that scrape on your knee.”

As of press, the Trix Bunny, Snap, Crackle & Pop; as well as Dig ‘Em Frog and the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chef have come out in support of Cap’n Crunch.

"Who's next," asked Crackle. "We're s-----g our pants, here."