Two weeks ago suburban married 20-something wannabes (chicks) put on their skaniest cocktail dresses and sauntered out to Saturday matinees in droves to catch the latest exploits of Sarah Jessica-Parker and her merry band of sea-hags as they attempted to bring their unique brand of Western sleeze to the Middle East. Trust me, these women exist in all age brackets, skanking-out and dressing-up like their favorite film stars in public.
While it's socially acceptable for these women, these bastions of what's socially acceptable what's not ('videogames are for kids', 'fantasty football is stupid', etc.), to play make believe, it's apparently the height of all geekdom to dress like Grand Amdiral Thrawn and attend a Star Wars convention. At least the Star Wars nerds are doing it behind closed doors amongst their own.
With the coming of, 'Sex in the City 2', 'Iron Man 2' and the new Shrek film, it's obvious now more than ever that Hollywood studios lean a bit too much tried-and-true franchises before taking a step onto the ledge with new properties. While sequels are generally an okay proposition (according to me) considering that they're typically based on original properties, the newest epidemic threatens to undermine every single film we hold near to our hearts. That epidemic? The remake.
When I read that Will Smith's kid, Jaden (quick hats off to Will and Jada who were at the forefront of the 'choose a letter and end the name with 'aden' movement), I almost broke down into tears. It's bad enough that Will Smith, Jr.'s getting his own vehicle based solely on the fact that his dad is Will Smith (and that he plays a great whiny little kid in 'The Pursuit of Happyness'), but what's worse is that Hollywood is remaking films left and right, and ruining our classics in the process.
Want proof that Hollywood is out of ideas? Okay, let's start with the most recent, "Nightmare on Elmstreet" remake. Remember the "Halloween" remakes of last year and a few years earlier? What about, "Alice in Wonderland," "Clash of the Titans"?
And you want to know what's coming? "Total Recall", "Tron", "The Neverending Story" and now maybe freaking "Jaws"! Isn't anything sacred? It's bad enough that we have to deal with the F&$^ing "Twilight" epidemic and vampire craze that's running rampant across the landscape, now we're remaking bonafide classics. What's next, "Gone With The Wind" starring George Clooney and Halle Berry? (I know what you're thinking; a black leading actor in a Jim Crow Southern setting? Look, if Nick Fury can be black, then anything's possible).
So for anyone who still holds, "Sweep the Leg" near and dear to the hearts, here are a few films I think have to happen.
ALF: The Movie
Say what you want, Alf had a hell of a run in his day. A bonafide hit TV show that finished near the top of the ratings for years running is absolutely due for a motion-picture redux. So following on the heels of 'Miami Vice' and 'The A-Team', here's what I project for 'Alf: The Movie'.
Title: "Alf: The Movie"
Tagline: "What the *&$% not?"
Director: Ang Lee
Cast:
Alf-Sarah Jessica-Parker
Willie Tanner-Charles Grodin
Kate Tanner-Julia Louis-Dreyfuss
Lynn Tanner-That Chick From Twilight
Brian Tanner-That Guy From Twilight
Synopsis: The Tanner's world is rocked when a furry brown alien, Alf (played by Parker; no need for make-up)crash lands in their back yard. Willie Tanner (Grodin) and wife, Kate (Louis-Dreyfus) take Alf in to promote as a circus sideshow act across the country. Lynn and Brian (Twilighters) fight to keep Alf as a member of the family and save him from their parents' exploitation. In the process, Lynn and Brian fall in love and scheme to adopt Alf, who finds value to the SPCA as a cat-eater.
Punky Brewster: Brandon Strikes Back
Title: "Brandon Strikes Back"
Tagline: "Brandon's had enough!"
Director: Tim Burton
Cast:
Punky Brewster-Helena Bonham-Carter
Brandon the Wonderdog-Sarah Jessica-Parker
George Gaines-Johnny Depp (Who else?)
Plot:
All is well for George and Punky in their new found life until mysterious paranormal activites start ravaging their Chicago apartment. George consults a priest (Michael Keaton) who performs an exorcism on the abode. Brandon (Parker: Once again, no make-up) reveals himself as a long lost descendent of the Egyptian God Anubis, says that he requires the blood of a virgin to complete the ultimate pyramid in heaven. The entire cast is swallowed whole into the bowels of the Earth and turn into claymation.
Perfect Strangers
Title: "Dance of Joy"
Tagline: "Don't be ridikulas"
Director: McG
Cast:
Larry Appleton-Christian Bale
Balki Bartokomous-Sean Penn
Sheamus McEvil-Phillip Seymour Hoffman
General Frenzy-Sam Elliot
Plot:
When Larry Appleton (Bale) gets word that his cousin, Balki (Penn), is coming to live with him, things get raw. Appleton, wary of his cousin's past (secret agent for the Myposian government), begins to fear for his safety. General Frenzy (Elliot) catches Appleton off-guard, and ensnares Balki at O-Haire airport. Frenzy recruits Balki and Appleton to take down the evil Sheamus McEvil (Hoffman), an oil magnate obsessed with covering the East Coast of the United States in oil. Appleton is forced to come to terms with what his cousin is capable of, and must learn how to be a man in the process of confronting McEvil.
