Count me in the 'hates-puppies' camp, as I was among the three people outside of the state of Indiana (and the Manning family) pulling for the Colts to win the Super Bowl last February. The Saints had barely eeked their way past Brett Favre to 'earn' the right to play for professional football's biggest prize, and nobody on the Saints team really gave me the Rudy-vibe underdog vibe enough for me to cast my vote in their camp. Plus I just could not get over Drew Brees' year-long tape worm as it clinged to his cheek like the tattered shred of a pap smear gone wrong. (Counting down the seconds here until every boat-shoe wearing, greasy-hair-having dude whose last name ends in 'eaux' comments with a, 'it's from a birthmark you douchebag.' 5....4....3....2....)
Here we are four months later, and the tattered Saints flags are still waving from car windows at an alarming rate. Aside from the undying, unyielding purveyance of black and gold vehicle decor, the constant crowing of the once petrified and ashamed fan base is borderline insufferable. It actually reminds me of LSU fan, who now is out in full force after Nick Saban (take that) turned around the fledgling program and made it into a national power despite Les Miles' best efforts to ruin the 'Dynasty that Saban Built (more boat shoe wearers in any minute...).
But Drew Brees recently made damn sure to dismantle the Saints dynasty built on savvy personnel moves and Vicodin (I'm talking to you, Sean Payton) when he agreed to be the cover athlete for this year's NFL Madden 11 videogame, which is due to release this August. It's long understood that Madden cover athletes are cursed to some sort of demise, permanent or temporary. The laundry list is longer than Greg Oden's...
Michael Vick served prison time for running illegal dog fighting ring, lying to federal investigators and animal cruelty leading to a year-long suspension. Vince Young took a 9 millimeter pistol to eat a basket of chicken wings, was suspended by the Titans and had a 9/17 TD-INT ratio in 2008. Daunte Culpepper, Eddie George, Marshall Faulk and Shaun Alexander all experienced the genesis of their decline in their 'Cover Seasons', before becoming NFL has-beens. Ray Lewis, Donavan McNabb and Troy Polamalu were all injured for the first time in their careers. Cover of Madden an honor? Probably. Chances of you making it through the next season unscathed? Zero. (Except for Brett Favre, and to be honest, Brett Favre is a cut above the rest of these douchers. Brett Favre is a man. He wears Wranglers. He plays pick-up football games in muddy pastures with his best friends from high school. Oh, and he posts the best season of his career when he's forty. What's your dad doing when he's forty? Exactly.)
Given the obvious, indisputable evidence supporting the Madden Curse and all of its ramifications, it's interesting to ponder what the power of the Curse could wield if it were used for good. What would happen, for example, if we put Tony Romo on the cover? Could Tony quit choking like Nick Anderson in the playoffs? Could Jerry Jones and the Stay-Puft Marsh-----er----Wade Phillips hold a non-Landry/Johnson Lombardi trophy above their heads?
As much as I hate Tony Romo and the horse he rode in on (Jessica Simpson), I'm willing to put the 'curse' to good use. So I present to you, five years of the curse used for good as we all know the NFL looks more like an episode of 'Playmakers' than those stupid NFL Play-90 commercials.
Madden 2006-Ricky Williams
Actually a legitimate candidate to brandish the cover, Williams left the Dolphins to pursue his true-love; pot. Ricky loves getting high more than making millions, and if he had been on the cover of Madden in 2006, Ricky would have pulled the 'Stud' and 'Turd' role. Even though the only cover Williams has been in is 'High Times,' he's still somewhat rehabilitated his career, thus continuing the fine run of upstanding UT running backs in the NFL (sarcasm).
Madden 2007-Tank Johnson
While it's rare for defensive players to get the Madden Cover, it does happen (Ray Lewis, Troy Polamalu). In 2006, as the Tank had been arrested for unlawful possession of a fire arm and verbally threatening a police officer, sh&t hit the fan when police raided his house to discover six unregistered firearms (including two assault rifles. Nice, Rambo.) Not only did he illegally possess these arms, they were also loaded and easily accessible to the three children in his house.
Madden 2008 Dual Cover-Michael Vick and Adam ‘Pac-Man’ Jones
Perhaps the most beat-into-the-ground sports topic of the last decade, Michael Vick's arrest for animal abuse and running an illegal gambling ring out of his back yard still draws tense conversations to this day. Largely billed as a 'White and Black' issue due to the cultural ties of dog fighting to the African American community (thanks DMX) Vick was sentenced to prison and suspended by the NFL for an entire season following his release. Ron Mexico found his way back into the NFL as a glorified back-up behind Kevin Kolb (how far you've fallen, Madden 2004 Cover Athlete).
After 'making it rain', and stripper was shot and killed by a member of Jones’ entourage in Las Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend 2007. He was also cited for reckless endangerment before being involved in another strip club shooting in Atlanta. When you think Pac-Man, you think of someone you’d want your daughter to marry. And you think of strip clubs.
Madden 2009-Plaxico Burress
So imagine you’re a Super Champion, emerging tier-one wide receiver and you decide to get krunk on a weekend in NYC. Well, if you’re heading to a club, you can’t roll without your strap, right? Well, Plax rolled with his pistol, and a shooting occurred. But the dumbass didn’t draw it on some clown looking to cause trouble; the gun went off in his pants and a bullet ended-up in his leg. Thanks to some of the strongest state and city gun control laws in America, Plax landed in the clank in is suspended indefinitely from the NFL. Nice.
Madden 2010-Donte Stallworth
Fresh off signing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with the Cleveland Browns, Stallworth partied the night away with his posse at a Miami hotel. Stallworth mounted his Escalade and killed a pedestrian. Of course Stallworth was hammered, he was jailed and the Browns voided his contract. Oh, and he was suspended the entire 2009 season.
Madden 2011-Ben Roethlisberger
Big Ben might not be guilty in a court of law, but he’s sure as hell guilty in the court of all-time creepy bastards. After beating a rape charge in 2009, Big Ben ‘had relations’ with a girl in the bathroom of a Georgia bar in 2010 when his bodyguard prevented a girl’s friends from coming to her rescue. Memo to Ben-Dude, you’re a multi-Super Bowl winning, multi-millionaire quarterback. I’m pretty sure you could score without raping chicks. The good news is, his public image is destroyed for the rest of his career. Serves him right.
